Hello chums
What, you may well be asking yourselves, is a ginslag?
Well my dears it is an ancient and mysterious recipe, passed down and perfected in our family for generations.
A ginslag is a cocktail, a cocktail of dreams.
A ginslag will take you to places you may not perhaps have wanted to go to, but will enjoy because of its special magical influence.
A ginslag will get you into the beds of the worlds most beautiful people, and then out again before they come home to find you.
A ginslag will take you on the most marvellous of adventures in your own living room, naked, in front of your assembled loved-ones.
A cocktail to remember, a cocktail to share, a cocktail to change lives.
RECIPE: GINSLAG
Serves 1
You Will Need
Gin, 1 pint
A Glass
Pain, some
Pour all the gin into the glass, ice can be added before, but only by heathens. The technique for adding the pain varies but below I have listed the classics. Find what works for you and stick to it, once a ginslag, always a ginslag.
"El Classico"
Smash the full glass onto your head and allow the scratched skin to absorb the gin.
"Ginslag on the rocks"
Grasp your glass firmly and have a friend push you onto some nearby rocks. The jolt will release the gin from its vessel, you will invariably find a custom ergonomic seating position and the liquid will fly from glass to liver without the unnecessary hassle of drinking.
"Office Special"
A good one for enjoying a cheeky ginslag in the workplace. Pick all the staples out of any nearby documentation, the rustier the better as far as connoisseurs are concerned. Sprinkle liberally over the ginslag, enjoy the gentle way they exfoliate the inside of your throat, thus allowing the gin to enter your bloodstream (and you to enter A&E) more swiftly.
To wash that down here is some joy from the Ukraine.
As you can see, the song takes on new layers of meaning and soul when sung by four men who look quite a lot like chaps from the local council, playing in what might well be the lobby of holiday inn and forgetting some of the words. This version actually makes me want to dance, as opposed to projectile vomit. The vacuous "look at me I own a rhyming dictionary" lyrics become the richest and most sensual poetry in these men's mouths.
Why aren't they much, much more rich and famous than Katy Perry?
Well done Ukraine.
Have a Ginslag.
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You are about to congratulate ginslag for being all supreme, and agree that the birth of which is the greatest story ever told.
If you have intentions other than this please fuck off.