Ginslag in polite society

The ginslag can be a winsome and wily mistress, and occasionally it is difficult to introduce her to friends or loved ones without considerable confusion, scratching of heads and gnashing of teeth. Here, however, we present you with some simple and non-threatening ideas to gently lead the ignorant sheep down the path of enlightenment and into the fiery and mysterious belly of the ginslag gorgon. Needless to say, opening minds is much easier if said minds are already gently befuddled, as such we have chosen the party scenario as the simplest for you to make your move.

At a party:
Suggest a game of "snort the spicerack"
Developed one evening by myself and Professor Malan de Mérindol after a tiresome evening in the company of dullards, this game is a great one for introducing ginslag into everyday life in a safe setting. The common or garden spicerack can be found in most suburban kitchens, bonus if the family are jamie oliver fans as there will almost certainly be smoked paprika for later rounds.

Instructions
Gather willing and gently inebriated companions about the spicerack, find yourself a credit or golf club membership card and perhaps a straw (or a rolled up banknote if you must) and choose a spice. Go easy at first, cinnamon perhaps, something that won't immediately scare off the little darlings.

Divide your chosen spice into lines and snort one. Enjoy the rush of sensual pleasure and pass the straw onwards.

Work your way up through spice levels. As the heat intensifies you may see dragons and sea monsters thrashing about you but be brave. You must be the shepherd, the knight and the unicorn, valiantly leading the meek to glory.

Herbs can be tricky (rosemary. thyme and any other long leaved offenders should be thoroughly pestle and mortared) but are very worthwhile. Nutmeg, it is said, has hallucinogenic benefits. Enjoy the mood enhancing results of unexpected combinations, here I have listed a few to get you going but invent your own and see where they take you.

nutmeg + paprika = arousal
cinnamon + thyme = rage
tarragon + paprika + cumin = curiosity
celery salt + turmeric = euphoria
coriander + juniper = jollity
ginger + fennel seed = confidence
coriander + cardamom + oregano = melancholy

If your adoring crowd don't seem to be having fun, encourage the hearty drinking of gin in between each line to lubricate their minds.

The first person finishing the spicerack challenge without vomiting is crowned Queen Maude and the others become her slaves for the rest of the evening (vomiting is allowed and indeed encouraged once victory is established). A regional variant is not to explain this part until all have begun playing, and ensure your triumph by lining your nasal cavities with wax - though this is heavily frowned upon in the upper echelons, and not viewed as real dedicated ginslaggery.


On Public Transport

Full of unsuspecting potential ginslags, public transport can be an enthusiast's goldmine. The traveller's mind is in stasis, neither here nor there, and is such just aching to be gently wedged open by staples and gin.

Encourage artistic interpretation of the seating provided. The seats are there to prevent your mind from reaching its true potential. Lead by example; find new ways of using the space, dance, jig, ragamuffin, lounge, cavort. Make sure to screech loudly in order to demonstrate the joy of your liberation to fellow passengers. Jig to your inner ceilidh and you shall guide them to liberation; you, the ginslag pied piper.

My wizened darlings this leads me to a small sidenote: always have a hipflask / thermos of gin and some portable pain (staples, nails, or just your delicately manicured fists) to hand in case anyone does start dancing and needs liquid encouragement. This is true of any situation, and handy for a ginslag in a tight spot.

If you can get the driver to join in you have won and should report to The Old Mackerel gentleman's club for decoration and ginslags all round. Any naysayers should be placated with gin and/or hogtied and deposited somewhere on the way.

If all else fails, write a couple of sentences that sum up ginslag for you and make it into a music video, as these two ginslag initiates demonstrate admirably:





well quite.